Holding back the tears

I am left only one day to spend the short vacation of my parents and tomorrow, they will be heading back to Qatar. Was not that emotional before but just knowing that they are around uplifts my descending mood. Hope I will get enough strength to pretend that I am tough when I drive them to the airport tomorrow.

Just another New Year

Yes, it's just another New Year. As a family tradition, we went to our Mother's family side. We spent the afternoon catching up with each other's dramas and adventures. It has always been the same thing. Same old stuff but just another year. We grow older but the issues never stay away. So for me, it's just another New Year.

Language is leaving me in silence

Almost didn't make it on the stage. She was silent and I can see the longing in her eyes as if it was telling me, "just wanted to hear his voice". Have tried my best to uplift her mood but I don't think I can fill it in for him. Sometimes I just wish I'd take all the hurt of my kids especially now that they are being more expressive on what they want and what they need. I tried to reach out but just got rejected. I feel so mad for hurting her.

Am I being foolish or am I being wise?

I don't know if I am being foolish or if I am being wise. Feels like the tables have been turned. I feel so very lost right now. I am holding on to the little piece of sanity that is left of me. At one point, I try to look back and figure out what to do next. I am stuck in this limbo and time flies so quickly. Sooner or later, I am bound to nowhere. It was a leap of faith that I took and I can never blame it on anyone but me. I never thought that I would have to trash away my big pride and swallow every bittersweet things I heard. I can still feel the distance and the coldness. Sometimes it is to your disadvantage when you really know the person inside and out. The little things that means a lot I cannot see... I cannot feel. Just when I have had it all worked out and a clearing, the news came and took me by a very painful and killing surprise. In a snap of a finger, those words and promises became just merely words...meant nothing at all. Now we're left alone.

I can't help but think that spending time just meant passing the hours and getting some fun out of it. Every whisper on those intimate moments now felt like I was just part of a game because it was that easy to let go. After 2 painful and yet lovely and precious angels, I guess it was just part of that practice. A practice that came true for them. And as if suddenly in a blink of an eye, I am no longer needed. A no worth to the fight that has never been really there. I have fought all the way and I don't know if I am being a fool for thinking that there is still something left to hold on. Am I a fool for knowing that he is just waiting for me to feel tired and give up? Or am I being wise for tying a knot at the end of the rope and still hang on the cliff? When will I ever feel those arms reach out and fight for me? These thoughts are killing me...Am I being foolish or am I being wise?

This has been a classic fave of mine...something that i have always carried in my heart...

When you love someone you'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon put out the sun
When you love someone
You'll deny the truth believe a lie
There'll be times that you'll believe
You can really fly
But your lonely nights have just begun
When you love someone
When you love someone you'll feel it deep inside
And nothin' else can ever change your mind
When you want someone, when you need someone
When you love someone
When you love someone, you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got and
You won't think twice
You'd risk it all, no matter what may come
When you love someone
You'll shoot the moon, put out the sun
When you love someone

To the moon and back

To the moon and back
I seal my fate
To the moon and back
I love, I hate

I wipe the tears in my eyes
Why do I have to take your lies
To the moon and back
A part of me dies

To the moon and back
I wish i never knew
To the moon and back
It pains to hear what is not true

I nurse the hurt I feel inside
As I wash the pain with the tide
To the moon and back
I'll fly and glide

What you don't know won't hurt you

Very true! I feel something and that something is leading me to things that I'd rather not see, read or hear. Sigh! I don't like the feeling of it. I know that there are times when there are things that are best not told. I think it's starting to build up on me. Am I just wasting my time? I guess this is one more reason for me to really stay away and think clearly. I hope I am wrong but that is where we started.

Remembering the big day

Long weekend. What I thought would be just another free day for me to unwind and use up my free time for writing articles had turned out to be one of the best and remarkable weekend for me.

When I was first asked about the trip, I was surprised and it seemed like a joke. So I just shrugged it off and tried to change the subject. Then again the subject didn't go away so I knew then it was a serious offer. I was thrilled and I instantly said yes without even asking permission. In my mind, opportunities like this comes rare so I immediately accepted it. My brain was already scamming for reasons to this getaway.

The day came and I just enjoyed every second of it. First stop was at a gas station to have our breakfast. It was a sunny day and the streak of sunlight that glares on me gave me more energy to go through the day.

Appetizer came in next at an organic coffee shop. Weird, yes it is but I didn't mind having a mixed-up of meals because I cannot argue with whatever happiness that is bursting inside of me.

We spent a short hiking to a picnic trail to shake off the food tripping that we are about to get into. Zipline, cable car, cottages, kites, lake, horses and kangaroo? Seems a bit odd and yes we did find it funny after that exhausting and sweating hike. Cooled off for a while under one of those shady cottages and used the time to talk about anything and everything under the sun.

Subsequently, it was time to devour the very tasty Bulalo, munch the crunchy Tawilis, and sip the very refreshing Buko juice listed in the menu. Aside from the fact that the food was very scrumptous, we had a great view that entices everyone to eat a lot.

Time flies so fast and I was trying to slow it down a little bit and I got what I wished for but sort of in a different manner. While on the road to our next destination, the clouds got dimmer and rains just suddenly poured hard slowing us down. When we found the Palace, the rain gave way and stopped for a while. All the way to the top, I was a little bit disheartened at the view that greeted us but nevertheless I didn't dwell on it too much because what is important to me at that very moment is the reason why we were there.

Fog came and the cold air brought out the human jackets. It is always a breathtaking view when you are at the topmost part where you can see almost everything.

Dropped by Mahogany to catch some fresh fruits and Tawilis. The night was catching up on us. The sun was beginning to dawn and I was starting to sink with a heavy heart. It was decided upon to had the last stop somewhere near the exit but we were slowed down almost to a halt on the way down that narrow mini zigzag road.

On the way back, we took the same road although we were like on a different time zone. It was horrendous traffic for someone who is eagerly trying to go back home but for us it was the most sensible, worthwhile, and sizzling traffic ever.

The conversations had a little bit of getting-to-know-you-more and later on there were some thought-provoking words turned to a very warm and cozy drive. Another Scorching escapade!

I could forever talk on in great details of everything that transpired on that surreal day but I'd rather keep the details with me. Have no photographs but my mind, heart and soul will always hold a photographic memory of that entire day.

There was one conversation where I teasingly retorted "it will be my loss". It may be a real joke to him and I was just trying to laugh it off to mask what was the real intent behind those words. I am not ashamed to admit but it is true that when all else comes to fail with My Heartthrob, it will be my big loss. A very big loss. For a second, I intently gaze at the silhouette of his face and prayed that I will never ever feel that way.