One again

I just want to see him laugh...laugh his heart out. I just want to see him smile...a smile that I can see even through his eyes. I just want to make him happy.

I thought I can give all that by staying away. I never said I'm wrong but I know I can feel it somehow. Words need not be spoken just to prove things.

When I thought I can no longer pretend that I am that brave and bold enough to stand up and never look back, I have sacrificed the only thing that hasn't been stripped off me ....my pride. I wish he knows how much I have given up just to make him feel sooooo special. No words can even describe the happiness that I feel whenever I hear his childish laugh...something that is so rare.

Yesterday was so much heavy with pain and tears. Now, I am overwhelmed and overflowing with love because I know I am one with him...one with the best feelings that any woman could ever have....one again with my best.

Tracks of my tears

I thought the Motown episode of American Idol Season 8's best performance was that of Anoop Desai. I wasn't really paying attention to what they were singing until I saw the re-run yesterday. I admit I have to make a change of heart....Adam Lambert's version of the "Tracks of my tears" was just lovely. I guess one reason is that I can relate...and whenever I feel so emotional...i sing my feelings. Although not all the lyrics are appropriate for me, I thought parts of it are me :

Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears..

Outside I'm masquerading
Inside my hope is fading
Just a clown oh yeah
....My smile is my make up
I wear since my break up with you..
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears

I have thought of it for the longest time. I knew all along that it wouldn't be easy but doing it for real makes me want to die. My heart was crashing.

While we were waiting, there was a lovely silence. There are times when silence has the loudest voice. I can remember Leigh, Monica, Luther, George, John, Ringo and Paul serenading us...keeping us company while we savor each moment...while waiting for that sensational moment. Music and silence..a true perfect strong combination. Music fills the silence and silence is full of music.

We ended up in silence. Sometimes silence is also a time to let go and allow people to hurt themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when its all over. It was time to go....and it was the longest drive back to where I parked my car. It has been a dreadful silence. Silence that has the most powerful scream. Yes, saying nothing sometimes says the most.

Lying is done with words and also silence. Whenever I am not ready to face the battle or to answer the truth or just simply afraid that it's not the answer that he wants to hear...i remain silent. Most of the time, I do it because I always want to please the person not because I just want to lie. So, in not knowing what he wants, I shut up my mouth. There was one question that I have kept silent all throughout and I know I have to keep lying even to myself. I'd be a fool and a hypocrite if I say no but in reality...it has been and always will be....in the Track of tears.

Bittersweet

I was excited as soon as I opened it. I immediately picked up my ally and enjoyed the rest of my play. As I was rummaging through the pages, I saw Pido. He got my attention with his bittersweet words. It was as if he was talking to me...sharing the same sentiments...
It is then in my nature to listen whenever something takes hold of my interest. His bittersweet is my bittersweet...
At this point in time, there is nothing that comes close to bittersweet....just like the taste of coffee jelly...just like you to me...

Making sense out of love

Don't you think I want to believe in the ever after too? How great would it be just to die now and then step into someone else's life? Yes I want to believe in that except I can't anymore...because it all doesn't make sense.

When our story was just beginning and you started to take my hand and make me feel loved, I took that leap of faith with you. For most part, I didn't regret making that chance, stumbling on the risks and bearing fruits of those intimate, passionate and unforgettable unions.

I still remember those learnings in my philosophy class that I always carry with me. Everything I have ever learned taught me that that kind of emotion that dwells upon me needed to be managed, even feared. Emotions which kinda makes a man risk everything over and over again for no sense of reason. A kind that makes sensible reasons and even death itself mean nothing. To which that emotion is what we labeled love.

Let the rain pour in

I was driving half asleep with my eyes wide open but my mind sleeping. My body was lazily maneuvering the wheels. My brain was freezing dead as my thoughts wander far away. While I was about to turn round the corner, I heard a loud honking sound. Good for me, my other senses were still working. My foot instinctively slammed on the brake while I tried to keep myself intact from that whooshing instance, I almost shouted out loud "Where the hell did it come from?" Obviously, I was caught off guard with the presence of another vehicle zooming right in front of my eyes. Whew, what a way to wake every inch of my body!

Although I was shaken by that incident, I thought I would be awake the whole day but I was wrong. My head ached and it seemed like I needed to drink coffee the whole day just to tick off that sleepy mood. I was spinning off the whole time and I couldn't much care less where I'm heading too.

At last the day ended and I will have that time to unwind. Dropped by to the usual hang-out and while I was waiting for their short-classic-hot-choco to be called out, I tried to sit back and browse some reading stuffs. While sitting in the sofa gave me a little comfort, I find it hard to concentrate not to veer away from our topic. Even while we were reminiscing and laughing our hearts out to those good old days, I was trying to masked the ache. Sadness flies away on the wings of time but how much fast are those wings?

I am figuratively dying inside. I continued browsing to hide the emptiness that my face might show. I have to look at something to stop a tear that has been dying to roll down my face.

Summer has just begun but I have a feeling that rain will come pouring down on me. And I have never felt any good when it rains much more when it pours. One step at a time and it has been a torture. I am starting to realize that it's never going to be easy. I have stopped asking the whys because I can never find the right answers. I have started to ignore because I know I have to start at least somewhere. I don't wonder anymore if I am or I was part of the plans. I stopped believing and I just got tired of waiting. I feel so eccentric at times....tormented and torn apart. Any chance that I can just wander off?

Darn, I lost track of time...it's almost cracking dawn...I guess I need to write this one...

Everytime I close my eyes I feel you near me
then the wind would blow and give me the chill
I would feel your arms wrapping around me
giving warmth to each and every inch of my body.

Thank you...thank you for giving me the greatest joy and gift
For a moment I thought you were bringing me home
But our boats parted and took a different drift
living our lives in an all makeshift.

Now it's time for me to open my eyes
to see and accept what is truly for me
I'll kiss the rain and leave a goodbye
Forget me then smile...than remember me and cry.

I guess even now, I will never understand how hard it is to lose what you never have and that you know you can never have.

.....Signing off.............

A losing battle

Being a wide reader gives you a lot of insights...a lot of ideas...thoughts to ponder on and sometimes you gain wisdom you can claim your own. And that one thing that serves true to me right now : Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

Slowly, the clear sky gets misty, my surroundings get a little foggy. I tried to hold on to the end of the rope but bit by bit it's slipping away from my hands. I stand still and those tears that fall are tainted colorlessly. I am giving up on this fight...on a fight which can never be won. I raise the white flag, bow my head and concede to the losing battle.

The best credit card for you

Every now and then you get to receive a phone call from a credit card company offering you one. Or maybe you receive dozens of offers thru mail. The question now here is how and which one do you choose? Just because you need one and the first one that offers you will be the best bet. Sometimes we choose by the one with the most aesthetic appeal. It just doesn't go that way.

So here are some simple tips in guiding you to choosing the best credit card. Before you choose one, try answering a few key questions. Questions like how do you plan to use your credit card? How much is the annual interest rate? How long is the grace period? What are the other fees? How much is the finance charge? What is the credit limit? What are the rewards? For example there are some cards that have features like cash back credit cards which gives you a percentage back on each of the qualified purchases you make on the card or in other words they are what you call rebates.

Another way to find out which credit card that will suit your needs is to compare and review the different types of credit cards. DealsForCreditCards.com is a site that provides consumers with the latest updates and information on the different credit cards. You might want to look specifically at this site : http://www.dealsforcreditcards.com/article/searching_for_the_best_credit_card.html so you will have a better insight on what you should look out for.

This policy is valid from 13 March 2009


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