One again

I just want to see him laugh...laugh his heart out. I just want to see him smile...a smile that I can see even through his eyes. I just want to make him happy.

I thought I can give all that by staying away. I never said I'm wrong but I know I can feel it somehow. Words need not be spoken just to prove things.

When I thought I can no longer pretend that I am that brave and bold enough to stand up and never look back, I have sacrificed the only thing that hasn't been stripped off me ....my pride. I wish he knows how much I have given up just to make him feel sooooo special. No words can even describe the happiness that I feel whenever I hear his childish laugh...something that is so rare.

Yesterday was so much heavy with pain and tears. Now, I am overwhelmed and overflowing with love because I know I am one with him...one with the best feelings that any woman could ever have....one again with my best.

Tracks of my tears

I thought the Motown episode of American Idol Season 8's best performance was that of Anoop Desai. I wasn't really paying attention to what they were singing until I saw the re-run yesterday. I admit I have to make a change of heart....Adam Lambert's version of the "Tracks of my tears" was just lovely. I guess one reason is that I can relate...and whenever I feel so emotional...i sing my feelings. Although not all the lyrics are appropriate for me, I thought parts of it are me :

Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I'm blue
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears..

Outside I'm masquerading
Inside my hope is fading
Just a clown oh yeah
....My smile is my make up
I wear since my break up with you..
So take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it's easy to trace
The tracks of my tears

I have thought of it for the longest time. I knew all along that it wouldn't be easy but doing it for real makes me want to die. My heart was crashing.

While we were waiting, there was a lovely silence. There are times when silence has the loudest voice. I can remember Leigh, Monica, Luther, George, John, Ringo and Paul serenading us...keeping us company while we savor each moment...while waiting for that sensational moment. Music and silence..a true perfect strong combination. Music fills the silence and silence is full of music.

We ended up in silence. Sometimes silence is also a time to let go and allow people to hurt themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when its all over. It was time to go....and it was the longest drive back to where I parked my car. It has been a dreadful silence. Silence that has the most powerful scream. Yes, saying nothing sometimes says the most.

Lying is done with words and also silence. Whenever I am not ready to face the battle or to answer the truth or just simply afraid that it's not the answer that he wants to hear...i remain silent. Most of the time, I do it because I always want to please the person not because I just want to lie. So, in not knowing what he wants, I shut up my mouth. There was one question that I have kept silent all throughout and I know I have to keep lying even to myself. I'd be a fool and a hypocrite if I say no but in reality...it has been and always will be....in the Track of tears.

Bittersweet

I was excited as soon as I opened it. I immediately picked up my ally and enjoyed the rest of my play. As I was rummaging through the pages, I saw Pido. He got my attention with his bittersweet words. It was as if he was talking to me...sharing the same sentiments...
It is then in my nature to listen whenever something takes hold of my interest. His bittersweet is my bittersweet...
At this point in time, there is nothing that comes close to bittersweet....just like the taste of coffee jelly...just like you to me...

Making sense out of love

Don't you think I want to believe in the ever after too? How great would it be just to die now and then step into someone else's life? Yes I want to believe in that except I can't anymore...because it all doesn't make sense.

When our story was just beginning and you started to take my hand and make me feel loved, I took that leap of faith with you. For most part, I didn't regret making that chance, stumbling on the risks and bearing fruits of those intimate, passionate and unforgettable unions.

I still remember those learnings in my philosophy class that I always carry with me. Everything I have ever learned taught me that that kind of emotion that dwells upon me needed to be managed, even feared. Emotions which kinda makes a man risk everything over and over again for no sense of reason. A kind that makes sensible reasons and even death itself mean nothing. To which that emotion is what we labeled love.

Let the rain pour in

I was driving half asleep with my eyes wide open but my mind sleeping. My body was lazily maneuvering the wheels. My brain was freezing dead as my thoughts wander far away. While I was about to turn round the corner, I heard a loud honking sound. Good for me, my other senses were still working. My foot instinctively slammed on the brake while I tried to keep myself intact from that whooshing instance, I almost shouted out loud "Where the hell did it come from?" Obviously, I was caught off guard with the presence of another vehicle zooming right in front of my eyes. Whew, what a way to wake every inch of my body!

Although I was shaken by that incident, I thought I would be awake the whole day but I was wrong. My head ached and it seemed like I needed to drink coffee the whole day just to tick off that sleepy mood. I was spinning off the whole time and I couldn't much care less where I'm heading too.

At last the day ended and I will have that time to unwind. Dropped by to the usual hang-out and while I was waiting for their short-classic-hot-choco to be called out, I tried to sit back and browse some reading stuffs. While sitting in the sofa gave me a little comfort, I find it hard to concentrate not to veer away from our topic. Even while we were reminiscing and laughing our hearts out to those good old days, I was trying to masked the ache. Sadness flies away on the wings of time but how much fast are those wings?

I am figuratively dying inside. I continued browsing to hide the emptiness that my face might show. I have to look at something to stop a tear that has been dying to roll down my face.

Summer has just begun but I have a feeling that rain will come pouring down on me. And I have never felt any good when it rains much more when it pours. One step at a time and it has been a torture. I am starting to realize that it's never going to be easy. I have stopped asking the whys because I can never find the right answers. I have started to ignore because I know I have to start at least somewhere. I don't wonder anymore if I am or I was part of the plans. I stopped believing and I just got tired of waiting. I feel so eccentric at times....tormented and torn apart. Any chance that I can just wander off?

Darn, I lost track of time...it's almost cracking dawn...I guess I need to write this one...

Everytime I close my eyes I feel you near me
then the wind would blow and give me the chill
I would feel your arms wrapping around me
giving warmth to each and every inch of my body.

Thank you...thank you for giving me the greatest joy and gift
For a moment I thought you were bringing me home
But our boats parted and took a different drift
living our lives in an all makeshift.

Now it's time for me to open my eyes
to see and accept what is truly for me
I'll kiss the rain and leave a goodbye
Forget me then smile...than remember me and cry.

I guess even now, I will never understand how hard it is to lose what you never have and that you know you can never have.

.....Signing off.............

A losing battle

Being a wide reader gives you a lot of insights...a lot of ideas...thoughts to ponder on and sometimes you gain wisdom you can claim your own. And that one thing that serves true to me right now : Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

Slowly, the clear sky gets misty, my surroundings get a little foggy. I tried to hold on to the end of the rope but bit by bit it's slipping away from my hands. I stand still and those tears that fall are tainted colorlessly. I am giving up on this fight...on a fight which can never be won. I raise the white flag, bow my head and concede to the losing battle.

The best credit card for you

Every now and then you get to receive a phone call from a credit card company offering you one. Or maybe you receive dozens of offers thru mail. The question now here is how and which one do you choose? Just because you need one and the first one that offers you will be the best bet. Sometimes we choose by the one with the most aesthetic appeal. It just doesn't go that way.

So here are some simple tips in guiding you to choosing the best credit card. Before you choose one, try answering a few key questions. Questions like how do you plan to use your credit card? How much is the annual interest rate? How long is the grace period? What are the other fees? How much is the finance charge? What is the credit limit? What are the rewards? For example there are some cards that have features like cash back credit cards which gives you a percentage back on each of the qualified purchases you make on the card or in other words they are what you call rebates.

Another way to find out which credit card that will suit your needs is to compare and review the different types of credit cards. DealsForCreditCards.com is a site that provides consumers with the latest updates and information on the different credit cards. You might want to look specifically at this site : http://www.dealsforcreditcards.com/article/searching_for_the_best_credit_card.html so you will have a better insight on what you should look out for.

This policy is valid from 13 March 2009


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The ring

She said "what happened between us was all lies."

It was just an experiment and with some scientific process, some of his memories were shared with her. In one crucial moment, she knew she had to decide. A friend helped her in these trying moments. She said "my mother always told me that I stick my nose to where it doesn't belong that's why I always get in trouble."

Aptly speaking, one should always mind their own business. Too much information gets you into trouble and sometimes in the process it gets you hurt. Knowing too much about something or someone is sometimes painful. She ached in knowing that everything that happened between them was just a lie. He was using it to get her trust and eventually take what he wanted and left her all alone...wondering what she could have done to deserve it.

Then the friend asked her, "when you were together was there ever a time that you looked into his eyes and find truth in what he is saying?" She contemplates and tried excruciatingly to remember what it is that she sees when he looks in his eyes. Finally she decided.

In an attempt to confirm her thoughts, she asked an old friend to do the precarious experiment. Her old friend told her that even if she do it again, it would only last for minutes. And so she dive into the pool knowing that the risk she would take might end up with nothing.

As soon as she closed her eyes, she saw herself standing at the edge of the platform with a lagoon in front of her. A lovely sight with trees surrounding the water. Leaves were turning orange signaling the end of spring. Silence has broken with the familiar voice. She let him do the talking and she listened very carefully with his words. Finally he said, "I have wanted to tell you everything but I guess I ran out of time". He hold her hand and took something from his pocket. He uttered, "I know we can't be together". So he took out the ring from the box and wore it in her fingers. "This is the only truth that I can give to you now." And just like a mist in the air, he suddenly disappeared and left her with a whisper....She opened her eyes filled with tears....and that alone is enough.

Soon I will be over you

There are tons of quotes that one may find in Garth Brook's collection but this one I like best :

You know a dream is like a river, ever changing as it flows.
And a dreamer's just a vessel that must follow where it goes.

Somehow when she reads this line it gives her some sense of direction and a little hope that someday she will be led by her dreams...she will live her dreams.

Trying to learn from what's behind you and never knowing what's in store
makes each day a constant battle just to stay between the shores.


Though she never realizes how much difficult it would be, she still went through the fire. Yes, it is a constant struggle just to keep herself intact. She lives by the day and holds on to her only prized possessions to keep her sanity.

And I will sail my vessel 'til the river runs dry.
Like a bird upon the wind, these waters are my sky.
I'll never reach my destination if I never try,
So I will sail my vessel 'til the river runs dry.


She gains strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which she really stops to look fear in the face. She is able to say to herself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along".


Too many times we stand aside and let the water slip away.
To what we put off 'til tomorrow has now become today.
So don't you sit upon the shore and say you're satisfied.
Choose to chance the rapids and dare to dance the tides.


She has always dared try the unknown when she comes to the end of all light. Bracing herself for whatever hurdles and consequences she might jump upon. She has strengthened her faith knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either she will be given something solid to stand on or she will be taught to fly.

And just like every story or fairytale that a storyteller shares, it has it's happily-ever-after or an open-ended one. Just like Garth Brook's river that flows, it's going to end somewhere. Just like any other sentence it has its period. Just like the wars that every human kind has gone through, it has its ending. Just like any politician's term winning a government seat, his career too has its downfall.

Just like Newton's gravity : What goes up must come down. In a nutshell, everything comes and goes. Just like the spring, summer, winter or fall or whatever season there is...it comes and goes...it starts and ends. Just like any tourney that an individual or team plays on, it ends up with one emerging as the champion and the other on the losing end. It cannot be both ways. There has to be a tie-breaker.

Just like the long and winding road, it has a dead-end that stops you right there. Just like her mystified mind, there will come a time that she has to solve the intriguing and complicated thoughts. She knows that soon she will have to stand up from her downfall.

She may always have the memories locked deep inside her heart but she would have to stop reminiscing and hoping. She may always carry those sweet words, the promises and the shared laughters but she would have to stop looking back at it. Just like everything else that make sense she said to herself, " Soon I will be over you".

Pain, Pain Go Away, Rheumatoid Arthritis Stay Away

Betty Friedan was once quoted saying “Aging is not ‘lost youth’ but a new stage of opportunity and strength”. I am never conscious about my age but that opportunity and strength becomes so hard to comprehend when your physical strength fails you. It doesn’t matter if I get wrinkles and if I get those flabs. However, it is different when at 37 you start to feel pain, swelling, stiffness and loss of function in your joints especially in the wrist and fingers. Now that feeling is what you call Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) which is more often experienced by women than men. Studies reveal that it commonly starts between ages 25 to 55. RA is an autoimmune disease meaning that the arthritis is an effect of the immune system attacking our body’s own tissues. It is a chronic, progressive and systemic disease which can affect the whole body and internal organs such as the lungs, heart and eyes.
When I started having RA, I always felt the tiredness and anxiety. The pain did not only affect me physically but also mentally and socially. I had a hard time carrying out my daily task because of the pain and somehow I felt worthless. For a while, my self-esteem really got low because I can’t endure the pain that it brings to me. Fortunately, my family has been very supportive during those tough times that I went through.
It is also a good thing that the medicine that my doctor prescribed me works really well for me. My doctor gave prescribed me to take Celebrex that helped me cope with the pain. There are other brands such as Enbrel , Arencia, Humira and Remicade but one has to consult their doctor which is the best RA treatment for them. It is not advisable to self-medicate by just relying on the brand’s ads because they are a bit technical or rather medical in terms of explaining what the medication is all about. Ads should be simple so that everyone would understand what kind of medication they will be getting. I would have created a tag line in a magazine ad “Pain, Pain Go Away…RA Stay Away”.
I have also heard that there are comprehensive programs that provide medical, social, and emotional support for people with RA. These programs (which include medications, reduction of joint stress, physical and occupational therapy, and surgical intervention) are all aimed at reducing pain and discomfort, preventing deformities and loss of joint function, and maintaining a productive and active life.
Alongside with this, it will be beneficial if pharmaceutical companies will share information about RA by means of forum, advertisements, leaflets, fliers and the likes. In my case, awareness equipped me with the knowledge that I need to know on how to handle the disease and what aspect of my lifestyle I should change.

Master Rapper's kaleidoscope world...

After long battling with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML), the King of Rap, Francis Magalona, passed away earlier today at around 12:20pm @ The Medical City. The disease (also known as Acute Myelogenous Leukemia)is a fast-growing cancer of the blood and bone marrow.

Symptoms of AML are caused by low numbers of healthy blood cells and high numbers of leukemia cells. Other symptoms include the following :

* White blood cells fight infection. Low numbers can lead to fever and frequent infections.
* Red blood cells carry oxygen throughout the body. Low numbers can lead to anemia — feeling tired or weak, being short of breath and looking pale.
* Platelets control bleeding. Low numbers can lead to easy bleeding or bruising and tiny red spots under the skin (petechiae).
* High numbers of leukemia cells may cause pain in the bones or joints.

A person with AML may feel generally unwell and run-down. He or she may also have other, less common symptoms.

A lot of people was shocked when Vic Sotto finally announced the news in Eat Bulaga. Everyone thought that he was already recuperating for there were a lot of projects already lined-up for him.

He will truly be missed by his fans and the music industry. He would always be remembered for the great contribution and achievement that he had accomplished during his stay here. He knocked some sense into the rap industry with his patriotic songs.

Beaute de Maman for pregnant women

I had three pregnancies and was lucky not to have those hormonal problems that could have caused acne or any facial problems. But even then, I have friends who have consulted me with such problems and I have not been very helpful to them. I then spotted an article that will help my friends with their facial problems during their journey to motherhood. These physiological and hormonal imbalance are uncontrollable and therefore, we should seek others for help.

Sometimes we can't help it but feel so down and ugly because of the changes that is taking place in our bodies. Now pregnant women will be able to lessen those mood swings and will feel more beautiful about themselves with Beaute de Maman. It offers a wide range of health and beauty products which are designed for pregnant women. Products like facial and body cream, facial scrub, nipple gel and stretch mark cream are available at Beaute de Maman.

These products are developed by a board-certified obstetrician. The goal was to treat problems specifically related to the physiological and hormonal changes experienced by women during pregnancy.

Your safety is also their concern that is why Beaute de Maman only utilizes natural and herbal ingredients to ensure that both mother-to-be and fetus are safe. So for pregnant women who would want to feel good about themselves, order now and you will surely won't regret it.

Belly dancing for pregnant women

I was surfing the TV one late night and saw a special feature about belly dancing. What caught my attention was that a pregnant women was doing the belly dance. The instructor mentioned that it is healthy and safe for pregnant women. Belly dancing strengthens the core and upper legs, muscles that can be very helpful during late pregnancy and labor. The Obstretician also said that as long as it feels good and doesn't put a strain on the back it is good for the pregnant woman. Aside from its physical benefit, it also builds a woman's self-esteem by aging gracefully.

I also found out that belly dancing initially conjured up seductive moves done as a performance. I also thought that it later become part of a hedonistic evening aimed at men. But its origin stems out as an activity that women did for each other, to help with childbirth. Now that is something new!