At the end of the journey....where is home?

I still want to walk down the romantic streets of Paris while you hold my hand and just enjoy the serene and cold air we breathe....











Although sinners at the eyes of man, let us kneel before his Holiness and take awe at the majestic St. Petersburg at the Vatican...








I dream of spending time in Lauterbrunnen so I can be trapped in time with you as we get surrounded by the untouched springs, fountains, valleys, and waterfalls everywhere...

Take a dip in Blue Lagoon's sublime waters of the Blue Lagoon. One Icelandic experience that is quintessentially breathtaking...










While time is of the essence, I just want to savor and feel again the beauty of everything that once was my world as we step back in time in Barcelona...








The grandiose castles of Prague gives me hope in reminding you to treat me not a Princess  ...Woe my heart again as you did before...









Don't let Sweden's midnight sun keep you away from me but instead feel the warmth of love that has always been shining between us...

Amidst all this bucket list, I'd like you to help me find my way back home..yours and mine together at last...

 

Free falling

Took little steps towards the edge of the platform.  Decided to look straight and feel the air breeze through my face.  I can hear my heart beat a little faster and stronger.  While they give instructions and make sure my harness is secure, my mind ran blankly.  I just don't know what to think.  I just know that there is something different, something exciting, something great is about to happen. 

The man beside me asked me if I was ready to take the jump.  I just nodded and smile and on the count of three, that something was about to start.  Years after taking that plunge made me realize that I took it with something similar to my journey. 

Falling 233m from the World's highest Bungee site - AJ Hackett's Macau tower bungy experience is one astonishing and heaven-like experience.  Looking back, it mirrors my own take in the leap of faith.  I knew that I had to do it or I may never get the chance to come back and do it again.  People around me made sure that I had my straps secure to keep me safe when I jump off the edge.  I was looking forward to the pure bliss that I was feeling intensely.  At the back of my mind, I knew that in between those fall and joy, there is the consequence...there is change. 

When I started to lean forward and my feet left of the edge, it was like everything was in slow motion and yet so fast.  The wind touching my face.  My heart was left somewhere up or fell faster below.  I can see a blue clear sky and a vast serene water with a boat docking in just seemed like a few feet away.  In just 20 seconds, I was already hanging close to the trampoline. 

Today, I feel the same, seems like everything happened so fast that I can't undo it.  I was for a moment in the clouds but everything just went down so fast that I have no control of.  Jumping and falling towards my goal didn't give me a glimpse of those clear blue sky that I long for nor the serenity of the water waving through softly on the ground.

The bungee fall let me experience at least something better because the jump I took tied me hanging still.  The fall was not flat facing down but it turned my world upside down.  Seemed like both feet are tied stopping me from touching the ground and moving forward.

I know at some point I can't always be kept hanging with or without you however it hurts.  I need to move on and be free.  I am still giving it some time but not for long.  I will have to cut that rope when the clock strikes 12 at the start of those fireworks.  Let the countdown begin because I want to be free falling.

Dance with me

There is no present or future...only the past that is happening again and again now.  He whispered "dance with me".  I gave my hand and swayed to the tune.  Oh what a tangled web we weaved.  Then I said "dance with me", he replied "why?".  I said "Dance with me before I slip out of your memory".

Music to my ears

They say...When you are in pain, you understand the lyrics.  When you are happy, you enjoy the music.  I say, touche.  I have all memorized by heart what Little Jackie and Lifehouse meant.  Bon Jovi's soulful rendition of you want to make a memory brings me even closer to my innermost cravings.

But last night and for the rest of the nights, let me enjoy the rhythm, the beat, and the melody....Need I say more?

That's the way the cookie crumbles

You lure me to your world.  Took my heart and brainwashed me.  Made me believe that tomorrow will be an ever after.  When nothing is left, you brought me back to nothing.

To you my friend, my handyman, my chef, and my friend...thanks for always being there for me.  Thanks for making me see that's the way the cookie crumbles...

Rest

Shoot me now.  Can't sleep.  Painkillers. No effect. Sleeping pills. Worse.  Zombie.  Fried brain.  Broken.  Down.  Dysfunctional.  Shattered. Hiatus.  What else is left?  Nothing but to Rest in Peace.

Can I just lie down and stare at the ceiling all day?  Can I just watch a marathon of TV series?  or Perhaps sleep all day long?  Exhausted is an understatement.   Can someone pull me up and bring me back to life? Am just too tired...

You want to make a memory..

How can you be so naive?  How can you believe and forgive so easily with just one word?  Aren't the mental tortures enough?  Do you still want to dig a deeper grave than what you already have?  Only have one answer to those questions...i still have had happy memories despite of it all...and I want to make more of that...

There are people who wouldn't really understand it.  There are things that you really cannot explain.  There are those feelings that is so unimaginable and yet so uplifting.  Everything is still unstable but at least the sun still shines on me after the dawn.

I catch upon something that drifts me to my inner sense...You want to make a memory

My Summer for all seasons

For the first time in the past few weeks, my eyes feels heavy enjoying the darkness.  Take me to my dreamland, Peter Pan.

Summer season is officially over as the rain pours down from the dark clouds.  I hate rainy days and I hate the gloomy weather.  But hey it doesn't rain forever.  I do have my own Summer to help me peek the light of the sun behind those clouds.

My Summer who warms my heart with her one touch, one smile, one coo...at least for a moment she has effortlessly put a smile on me at the wake of the dawn.  Leaves me with a lovely grin.  Never ever lose that angelic eyes.  Stay that way because I know I can never give you everything...the one thing...If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child have peace.

I do owe my girls an apology as I have loved to the point of madness.  That which is called madness.  That which to me, is the only sensible way to love.  Yes, I dreamed of having you in this world but not this way..not this way.  So forgive me for standing up alone ...when it should have been two...

Yes, I'm falling apart

You can't play on broken strings.  Tomorrow is yet another day to fulfill.  Hanging on by a thread to my sanity as each tick of the clock winds down in my mind.  

"The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out"

My scattered brain doesn't help out to think cohesively.  But when it comes to hearing things that reminds me of you and the things that we used to do or places to where we've been, it somehow sends a signal for my heart to beat and then be squeezed...

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing 
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you"

I never wished for all of these things to happen.  I did not ever want to be standing in the middle between a bullet and you and yet somehow I ended up there.   I knew I was strong enough to be just a friend ...you have unlocked the mystery in me and solved the maze and found the way to my heart and mind...

"The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head 
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing 
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), 

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), 

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you"

You played me with words and I always hang on to it.  How could I be so blind?  It gives me comfort when I look into your eyes and hear you say, I will find a way.  A great actor.  I didn't see that until you came forward and bow down as the curtains closes the stage..leaving your audience with that dark and empty stage.

"I'm hangin' on another day 
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone 
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home"

Why? Why play along and leave me broken?....

Tonight, I hold on

I feared, doubted, but for most part I hoped.  Hoped for an ever after just as promised. I failed. There was a time when I thought that he was telling her to forget him but later did I realize that it was a message for me. He employed words for the purpose of disguising his thoughts.  My heart was over my head and it blocked me from seeing, thinking, and feeling that I was just really a game played, an adventure that he just had fun with, and someone whom he will never take seriously.

He had me at my best but left me at my worst. I guess giving my all is not enough because it was she who he truly loved. Time for reality check. I have put behind everything I have treasured. Walked away from the man who truly loved and cared for me. Turned back on my family. He had just proved them right. I was just making my own illusion. An illusion that everything was real and every word was true.

A man is tested by the silence he can speak. Relied on what he said.  Remembered the answers to my repetitive question...How will I know when love is gone.  And then one day, he just cut the rope...just like that. It pains me to think that I have been made a big fool. Nothing was ever simple from day one and each day that passed by I have grown to love him more than myself. It was wrong of me to build my world around him. In the most serene time of the night, that is when I break down while I lie down and listen to what my heart says. I know I have to go through the crashing pain as the song in my head sings.

I remember the times we spent together on those drives. We had a million questions all about our lives. And when we got to New York, everything felt right. I wish you were here with me tonight. I remember the days we spent together were not enough. And it used to feel like dreamin' except we always woke up. Never thought not having you here now, would hurt so much. Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up. I need your loving hands to come and pick me up. And every night I miss you. I can just look up and know the stars are holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight.

Yes, everyday I feel like I am going out of my mind. Every move, every place, every thing just keeps me reminding of him. A scene from yesterday would always pop out and I can see vividly what he said and did. Then just like a bubble that gets pricked above my head because my heart feels like its been stabbed. Can hardly breathe while I fight those tears from falling down. My little ones would always caught me by surprise and asks me, why there is water in my eyes.  I expected too much only because I know I am willing to do that much for him.

My heart breaks down even more when I see that girl rushes through the door, peeks, and waits who will she see on the gate when she hears the bell rings. When the glow in her eyes is replaced with that sad look when I put down the phone thinking that she will be hearing from him soon. I couldn't help but cry when she asked me one day, Why is he not visiting us, doesn't he want to see me anymore? I have no answer but just put up and pretend I didn't hear her then I put up a pretentious smile.

The other girl always talks of her, adores her, and hugs everything that he gave her. She remembers quite well and although she does not understand just yet, I hope that she will just one day forget him.

When the new girl came to life, I thought everything would somehow be different. I dreamt of having him by my side. Taking turns as we watch them grow up. Sadly, that's a fairy tale.  She greets me with a smile every morning. That smile keeps on reminding me how I have loved and lost. Keeps on telling me to struggle and live each day and to keep holding on.  We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.  ...

I'll be okay....not

My best friend's wedding, right? Every time I watch that movie, it has not failed yet in making me cry. All the more now. One of my fave song from the movie soundtrack which I wish I can sing right now... It's time to let you go It's time to say goodbye There's no more excuses No more tears to cry There's been so many changes I was so confused All along you were the one All the time I never knew I want you to be happy You're my best friend But it's so hard to let you go now All that could have been I'll always have the memories She'll always have you Fate has a way of changing Just when you don't want it to Throw away the chains Let love fly away Till love comes again I'll be okay Life passes so quickly You gotta take the time Or you'll miss what really matters You'll miss all the signs I've spent my life searching For what was always there Sometimes it will be too late Sometimes it won't be fair I won't give up I won't give in I can't recreate what just might have been I know that my heart will find love again Now is the time to begin I can't hold on forever baby I'll be okay But it's not yet the time...Pain is still throbbing and I fear that I might not be able to sing that song...I can always tell myself "i'll be okay" but I am only fooling myself.

Wide awake

It's almost 2am and I am still wide awake. Getting back to having those sleepless nights and how I wish I am sleepless in Seattle. Feels like a greyhound day for me. Same routine all over again. I wish there is a falling star between these dark clouds but all I see is a gloomy sky. I feel empty and most of the time I wish there is a black hole that would just suck this pathetic heavy emotion burning inside me. I am a walking dead ... lifeless. Running out of reasons to tie up that knot and i'm losing every grip I have. This maddening silence drives my sanity as i shed tears to the unknown tomorrow. Waiting...hoping...losing...