Tonight, I hold on

I feared, doubted, but for most part I hoped.  Hoped for an ever after just as promised. I failed. There was a time when I thought that he was telling her to forget him but later did I realize that it was a message for me. He employed words for the purpose of disguising his thoughts.  My heart was over my head and it blocked me from seeing, thinking, and feeling that I was just really a game played, an adventure that he just had fun with, and someone whom he will never take seriously.

He had me at my best but left me at my worst. I guess giving my all is not enough because it was she who he truly loved. Time for reality check. I have put behind everything I have treasured. Walked away from the man who truly loved and cared for me. Turned back on my family. He had just proved them right. I was just making my own illusion. An illusion that everything was real and every word was true.

A man is tested by the silence he can speak. Relied on what he said.  Remembered the answers to my repetitive question...How will I know when love is gone.  And then one day, he just cut the rope...just like that. It pains me to think that I have been made a big fool. Nothing was ever simple from day one and each day that passed by I have grown to love him more than myself. It was wrong of me to build my world around him. In the most serene time of the night, that is when I break down while I lie down and listen to what my heart says. I know I have to go through the crashing pain as the song in my head sings.

I remember the times we spent together on those drives. We had a million questions all about our lives. And when we got to New York, everything felt right. I wish you were here with me tonight. I remember the days we spent together were not enough. And it used to feel like dreamin' except we always woke up. Never thought not having you here now, would hurt so much. Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up. I need your loving hands to come and pick me up. And every night I miss you. I can just look up and know the stars are holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight.

Yes, everyday I feel like I am going out of my mind. Every move, every place, every thing just keeps me reminding of him. A scene from yesterday would always pop out and I can see vividly what he said and did. Then just like a bubble that gets pricked above my head because my heart feels like its been stabbed. Can hardly breathe while I fight those tears from falling down. My little ones would always caught me by surprise and asks me, why there is water in my eyes.  I expected too much only because I know I am willing to do that much for him.

My heart breaks down even more when I see that girl rushes through the door, peeks, and waits who will she see on the gate when she hears the bell rings. When the glow in her eyes is replaced with that sad look when I put down the phone thinking that she will be hearing from him soon. I couldn't help but cry when she asked me one day, Why is he not visiting us, doesn't he want to see me anymore? I have no answer but just put up and pretend I didn't hear her then I put up a pretentious smile.

The other girl always talks of her, adores her, and hugs everything that he gave her. She remembers quite well and although she does not understand just yet, I hope that she will just one day forget him.

When the new girl came to life, I thought everything would somehow be different. I dreamt of having him by my side. Taking turns as we watch them grow up. Sadly, that's a fairy tale.  She greets me with a smile every morning. That smile keeps on reminding me how I have loved and lost. Keeps on telling me to struggle and live each day and to keep holding on.  We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.  ...